Hope is a brewin

What do I do without you?,  I think I am getting the hang of it again

Progression

Melancholy shouldn’t be confused with depression. Melancholy is an active state. When we’re melancholic, we feel uneasy with the way things are, the status quo, the conventions of our society. We yearn for a deeper, richer relationship with the world. And in that yearning, we’re forced to explore the potential within ourselves – a potential we might not have explored if we were simply content. We come up with new ways of seeing the world and new ways of being in the world. Melancholy and creativity go together.

Short Reel IAAH from Nessim Higson on Vimeo.

A disturbing feeling

I have this disturbing feeling sometimes.

According to my hopes the world arranges itself in a way positive to me, or atleast can. I sometimes feel I have a handle on what is going on, feels like I was born with luck.
I keep this feeling close.

very close.

Recently i might be loosing that firm hold on life, recently.. I begin to realize how small a part of everything I am, how little of events I affect.. even when I try to affect the results are random and unpredictable. I begin to doubt my own expressions and feelings translation onto others,
I doubt that there is real closeness in the world.. but perhaps mainly I doubt myself, I doubt my supposed power and my understanding of things.
I sporadicly feel chaos coming over to say hi,

Still

I wanto believe that there is love in the world

because I have so much of it to give, so incredibly much, so much love for everyone and anyon
I doubt that anyone can or wanto listen to it

Or perhaps I doubt that anyone would wanto hear what I really wanto say, the pure feelings of affection and love that so frightens people I subject some of it on.
I still hope for a world where I can be myself, but for now, I hide in my shell, not exposing parts that might frighten others for their sincerity

Where is the pure sincerity in people, where has it gone?

Thoughts

Seems I haveto find my own reasons for socializing again, redefining what I want and need and what parts of me I accept and or care for has made a small mark on my thoughts, I no longer can honestly say if they are good or bad thoughts, strange

Learning

I have been taught something, something valuable for me.
As a strict person and a hard to get close to person I had lulled myself into believing that my own urges had nothing to do with my socializing and social behaviour to other people.
I just got reminded that "no you are just hiding it for yourself" and was told to " loosen up"
Perhaps this is a step in the right direction.

The problem I have now is that I after recognizing my own feelings and their worth went and kissed three ladies in one night, strange as it seems, I dont see myself as a player atleast, this has put me in a bit of a conundrum

Solving this without hurting anyone might just be a tad bit tricky


I found a comet
And then I found another brighter comet, this is something i would not have considered before, but now the brightness is important.. enough important to let another comet go one asks oneself

I just dont wanto dim anyones lights.
Kisses from a lonely man.