Progression

Melancholy shouldn’t be confused with depression. Melancholy is an active state. When we’re melancholic, we feel uneasy with the way things are, the status quo, the conventions of our society. We yearn for a deeper, richer relationship with the world. And in that yearning, we’re forced to explore the potential within ourselves – a potential we might not have explored if we were simply content. We come up with new ways of seeing the world and new ways of being in the world. Melancholy and creativity go together.

Short Reel IAAH from Nessim Higson on Vimeo.

A disturbing feeling

I have this disturbing feeling sometimes.

According to my hopes the world arranges itself in a way positive to me, or atleast can. I sometimes feel I have a handle on what is going on, feels like I was born with luck.
I keep this feeling close.

very close.

Recently i might be loosing that firm hold on life, recently.. I begin to realize how small a part of everything I am, how little of events I affect.. even when I try to affect the results are random and unpredictable. I begin to doubt my own expressions and feelings translation onto others,
I doubt that there is real closeness in the world.. but perhaps mainly I doubt myself, I doubt my supposed power and my understanding of things.
I sporadicly feel chaos coming over to say hi,

Still

I wanto believe that there is love in the world

because I have so much of it to give, so incredibly much, so much love for everyone and anyon
I doubt that anyone can or wanto listen to it

Or perhaps I doubt that anyone would wanto hear what I really wanto say, the pure feelings of affection and love that so frightens people I subject some of it on.
I still hope for a world where I can be myself, but for now, I hide in my shell, not exposing parts that might frighten others for their sincerity

Where is the pure sincerity in people, where has it gone?

Thoughts

Seems I haveto find my own reasons for socializing again, redefining what I want and need and what parts of me I accept and or care for has made a small mark on my thoughts, I no longer can honestly say if they are good or bad thoughts, strange

Learning

I have been taught something, something valuable for me.
As a strict person and a hard to get close to person I had lulled myself into believing that my own urges had nothing to do with my socializing and social behaviour to other people.
I just got reminded that "no you are just hiding it for yourself" and was told to " loosen up"
Perhaps this is a step in the right direction.

The problem I have now is that I after recognizing my own feelings and their worth went and kissed three ladies in one night, strange as it seems, I dont see myself as a player atleast, this has put me in a bit of a conundrum

Solving this without hurting anyone might just be a tad bit tricky


I found a comet
And then I found another brighter comet, this is something i would not have considered before, but now the brightness is important.. enough important to let another comet go one asks oneself

I just dont wanto dim anyones lights.
Kisses from a lonely man.

Wrong

Sometimes I just feel the world should be a better place if I could tell it what it was doing wrong, why we should remove most of our distancing to people and focus on well beeing and life instead

I cant help feeling that alot of the social customs in use right now are supurfleous and just a big hinder for common well beeing.

I am sorry to say that in a society trained to discount and ridicule all ideas more than a standard deviation from the average inhibiting critical thinking in the masses, coherent explanations of observable social phenomena don't get much press.

And the biggest looser here are the ones that wont even listen to any such ideas, they have their set patterns of social life and wouldnt swap them for the world

How can I help them?, How can I even talk freely with them?

---

I am feeling a bit negative right now, and I hope some of you atleast hint a crum of truth in my incoherent ramblings

I am really mostly upset because I failed utterly in the attempt to communicate with the meteor I was chasing ever so shortly, I was largely ignored in my first attempt at getting to know it. Not even a miniscule message back.

I just dont like that and could ramble on on the subject "why"
but I will just say this, I could have become a great friend, I was just asking to get to know her more, no obligations implied... I imagine the ideas she might have used to verify the ignoring and I hate that they exist

It seems I was not worth even the effort to type some words back

Sigh

Star

Maybe we’re meant to crash from the sky,
To meet eye to eye like meteorites.

Am I just a spectator, in this meteoric game?
If I blink I might miss you, oh it is driving me insane.
Don’t tell me whats possible, just meteor shower me.
In my observatory I have studied the data,
elemental force.
I switch off the force field,
downgrade my defenses,
One Speeding Star!

This speeding star has all the chances in the world to take my shields down,
goddammit I am doing it again, leaving myself bare and defenseless, I cant keep but wondering if it's still worth it, If I am still

now its all up to me to find a way to lure a meteorite with a tail of fire to look my way
Stacking up on the courage
giving it a go
I dont wanto miss this meteorite, and it seems I do have a chance, although i say to myself that it is a small one.

I dont haveto keep putting my shield up,
I dont haveto keep reading the small print,

Forgetful

They say that the worst feeling isn't beeing lonely. It's being forgotten by someone you could never forget.

I think I might have forgotten that I am lonely or rather that I am not feeling well, perhaps I have lulled myself into not thinking about it, perhaps this is another defensive mekanism that my head has installed.. Tonight i voiced the fact that it has been four months since my breakup, this, in an totally unrelated conversation about sex.
The migrane that hit me then and there was, and still is massive. Psychosomatic reactions or is it just me and my mind once again trying to encompass bad things that happens to my own sad existence.

It hurts
I am currently looking out for something to ease the pain,

I think i might be looking in the wrong place


If I had someone that would be willing to dry my tears, I'd gladly love that person just as unconditionally as I loved you, it seems however that life is too complicated for some honest loving

A little humour to lighten things up

Thinking back, this is not so bad after all, perhaps I might even be able to smile about it,
soon

Monster

Monster

Det gömmer sig i min garderob, undangömt där jag inte kan hitta det,
en känsla som vill få mig att springa därifrån och bara vara ensam

En monstruös känsla, oformbar men full av styrka,
en känsla som fyller mig men inte har något bestämt uttryck
jag kan inte identifiera den, men kanske är det för att jag inte vill

Jag försöker hålla den tillbaka men kan inte undgå den.
Slappnar jag av gråter jag, men det är ju fel så jag spänner mig för att inte känna

Att bara vara i närheten av henne gör ont,
Att höra om hennes sexliv gör mig bara ledsen
Att inte ha någon nära vän som jag kan prata med om det här och allt jag känner gör mig nedstämd

Jag sträcker ut mina armar
men ingen finns där

jag kan bara visualisera mig själv, full av behov och viljor
utan den del av mig jag behöver mest
min andra halva

Inte ens om jag kunde, och jag vet att jag kan om jag "tvingar mig på" vara med någon annan skulle vilja det,
jag vill inte ha något ytligt

jag behöver




Jag behöver

hitta mig själv igen

A golem without head

Who am I

Somebody I used to know,
addicted to a certain kind of sadness,

seems I need to treat myself more, the wound is still present

examining oneself I cannot at present find my place in the world, my place got ripped from me and now I have a vacuum where there should be meaning.

Does that mean i went too far from myself when giving myself to you?

Redefining the puzzle I once had will be like stumbling in the dark

Where are my friends?

Where are my needs?

I put them aside for you and you chose to leave.


Couldnt help crying a little while listening to this.

Find

A year has passed, My mind focused in one mode,

an entity, though flawed, perfect in every way.

A state of mind, not unlike hypnosis, a state of mind, to be cared for with utmost care, a fragile yet overpowering state of mind.

An entity you can cry to and laugh with

I am indeed a lucky man